After watching the seventh-eighth graders' "Much Ado About Nothing" yesterday, I got to chat with a friend/colleague--let's call her Blue-- who was waiting for her daughter outside the theater. We talked about the play and stuff, and somehow the conversation veered towards the next school year. You see, I'm handling seniors now, who will actually be the school's first batch of graduates this March, and it hasn't been easy at all--it's been tough, challenging, nerve-wracking, and fun, elightening, and life-changing at the same time. A few months ago, we teachers were asked to write about our future plans regarding our teaching and I'd expressed the desire to take a break two years from now. Taking a break meant that I'd still teach main lesson blocks and the daily English track lessons, and not handle a class; that would mean I get to go home in the afternoon and do other things like writing and finishing my Master's. But now, the boat is being rocked unexpectedly. There's this guy who's applying to teach full time and my friend Blue who's also in Professional Development of the school is actually considering taking him. The school can't afford another fulltime teacher and she thinks next year is the perfect time for me to take a break--the new guy can take my position then.

Yes, I really need to take a break from teaching but I'm set on continuing next year. After that conversation, I felt so unsure of myself. Having somebody else teach my subjects is unthinkable. Yes, even if it's just going to be temporary. I've worked so hard on all my classes!

Oh I don't know. Blue was just being objective about the whole thing, I know. I'm not getting fired. In fact, she even joked that if I wanted to take a break I had better do it soon because after that, the school wouldn't let me go for five, ten years even! Thing is, the thought of the new guy replacing me is unacceptable. I shall write about him in another post. Let me just say he is too young. He talks about his poetry, literature, feminism, and all that academic, literary mumbo-jumbo ALL THE TIME. He breathes it, man. His angst could raise Nietszche from his grave to tell him to cut all that existential crap. If you know me well, if there's one thing I loathe in this world, it's the kind of person who flaunts his stuff. It'd be easier if I liked his poetry but then that's another story.

Sheesh. I don't want to rant. I don't even want to write about him because it's unfair. I'm sure he has a lot to bring to the school, a lot of good things the kids would learn from him. Yet the thought of him doing what I do just makes me...oh I don't know anymore :(

I'm not the best teacher there is but I always strive to do my best in teaching. Many times I have doubted myself--it's happening right now--and have questioned whether the kids are learning anything from me or not. Many times I have considered quitting. But I love what I do. I love where I am. I love whom I work for. I love those kids.

So now, I'm in a limbo. Maybe I feel this way because I don't know what I really want to do with my life for good. And the possibility of this door closing is scaring the shit out of me. Maybe this is panic. Maybe this is reality slapping me on the face: that I shouldn't be a teacher and I know it, but just can't accept it...

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I finally watched "No Reservations" and I liked it a lot. Good characterization. I can imagine reading it as a short story: a simple yet sumptuous plot.

It's even appropriate for me that Kate, Catherine Zeta Jones' character, is flabbergasted by the thought of another chef replacing her. The current drama of Lulu's life. She says, "I've worked so hard to get here and I'm not going to let you take that away from me!" Poor new guy, he doesn't even know he's replacing ME and I'm already sending dragon flares his way.

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This afternoon, I watched "Martian Child" instead of working. And again, I found pieces of my life there. Beautiful film.

Tomorrow is my last class with my seniors and I must say I'm trying so hard to make it remarkable. Channeling John Keating in "Dead Poets Society" ba. I have to wrap up our "Faust" lesson and honestly, I don't feel like lecturing anymore, so I'm preparing a speech of some sort--actually an example of how they should do their project presentations--to end the whole thing... it's even more difficult, really.

I'll post the "speech" here when I'm done. Got to go.