After watching the seventh-eighth graders' "Much Ado About Nothing" yesterday, I got to chat with a friend/colleague--let's call her Blue-- who was waiting for her daughter outside the theater. We talked about the play and stuff, and somehow the conversation veered towards the next school year. You see, I'm handling seniors now, who will actually be the school's first batch of graduates this March, and it hasn't been easy at all--it's been tough, challenging, nerve-wracking, and fun, elightening, and life-changing at the same time. A few months ago, we teachers were asked to write about our future plans regarding our teaching and I'd expressed the desire to take a break two years from now. Taking a break meant that I'd still teach main lesson blocks and the daily English track lessons, and not handle a class; that would mean I get to go home in the afternoon and do other things like writing and finishing my Master's. But now, the boat is being rocked unexpectedly. There's this guy who's applying to teach full time and my friend Blue who's also in Professional Development of the school is actually considering taking him. The school can't afford another fulltime teacher and she thinks next year is the perfect time for me to take a break--the new guy can take my position then.

Yes, I really need to take a break from teaching but I'm set on continuing next year. After that conversation, I felt so unsure of myself. Having somebody else teach my subjects is unthinkable. Yes, even if it's just going to be temporary. I've worked so hard on all my classes!

Oh I don't know. Blue was just being objective about the whole thing, I know. I'm not getting fired. In fact, she even joked that if I wanted to take a break I had better do it soon because after that, the school wouldn't let me go for five, ten years even! Thing is, the thought of the new guy replacing me is unacceptable. I shall write about him in another post. Let me just say he is too young. He talks about his poetry, literature, feminism, and all that academic, literary mumbo-jumbo ALL THE TIME. He breathes it, man. His angst could raise Nietszche from his grave to tell him to cut all that existential crap. If you know me well, if there's one thing I loathe in this world, it's the kind of person who flaunts his stuff. It'd be easier if I liked his poetry but then that's another story.

Sheesh. I don't want to rant. I don't even want to write about him because it's unfair. I'm sure he has a lot to bring to the school, a lot of good things the kids would learn from him. Yet the thought of him doing what I do just makes me...oh I don't know anymore :(

I'm not the best teacher there is but I always strive to do my best in teaching. Many times I have doubted myself--it's happening right now--and have questioned whether the kids are learning anything from me or not. Many times I have considered quitting. But I love what I do. I love where I am. I love whom I work for. I love those kids.

So now, I'm in a limbo. Maybe I feel this way because I don't know what I really want to do with my life for good. And the possibility of this door closing is scaring the shit out of me. Maybe this is panic. Maybe this is reality slapping me on the face: that I shouldn't be a teacher and I know it, but just can't accept it...

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I finally watched "No Reservations" and I liked it a lot. Good characterization. I can imagine reading it as a short story: a simple yet sumptuous plot.

It's even appropriate for me that Kate, Catherine Zeta Jones' character, is flabbergasted by the thought of another chef replacing her. The current drama of Lulu's life. She says, "I've worked so hard to get here and I'm not going to let you take that away from me!" Poor new guy, he doesn't even know he's replacing ME and I'm already sending dragon flares his way.

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This afternoon, I watched "Martian Child" instead of working. And again, I found pieces of my life there. Beautiful film.

Tomorrow is my last class with my seniors and I must say I'm trying so hard to make it remarkable. Channeling John Keating in "Dead Poets Society" ba. I have to wrap up our "Faust" lesson and honestly, I don't feel like lecturing anymore, so I'm preparing a speech of some sort--actually an example of how they should do their project presentations--to end the whole thing... it's even more difficult, really.

I'll post the "speech" here when I'm done. Got to go.

A Poem by Maureen Owen

image from binarysoup

A heart that's been broken
has a tiny hinge
And when it happens a
second or third time
it just
swings open & shut
like a gate.

What's up in Luluworld?

I got home from school at 10pm. Had the usual crazy schedule: twelfth grade English in the morning, play rehearsal, meetings, meetings and voice rehearsal with Ms. Patrice and the seniors from 6 to 9:30. I don't know how I survive these days.

I didn't like my class today. It's my second to the last session with my seniors--second to the last of their entire high school English classes before graduation! Can you believe that??? Anyway, the class earlier was really bland and boring. It was probably because I was tired, the kids were tired, and I didn't really prepare as I usually do for my classes. I just took down notes for my discussion and that was it; no planned "will" activity, nothing to really stimulate them. Actually, I don't really enjoy teaching "Faust"; it feels anti-climactic since we came from studying Dostoevsky's "Brothers Karamazov". Same themes but different intensity. I prefer the Russian take on evil, destiny, life...

Three weeks to go and it's Senior Project Presentations to be held at the SDC Hall in Ateneo. I'll post their topics soon.

Two weeks after the project presentations, we'll stage our brave intrepretation of "The Phantom of the Opera" at the PETA Theater. Two days after that is the graduation ceremony. Oh God.

Oh and I just checked the UPOU site and it's final exams soon. I'm not even done with even a quarter of this semester's requirements! Singko na `to! :(

To drop or not to drop, that is the question.

Tomorrow, Francince will be here. I should remind her to scrub the shower knobs.

Tomorrow, too, is the seventh-eighth grade production of "Much Ado About Nothing" at the Teatro Mulat in UP Village.

Update on my seniors' college applications:

Max - Anthropology, Ateneo
Bebop - English Literature, DLSU
Alessandra - Industrial Design, UST
Josh - Computer Engineering, Mapua
Veronica - Fine Arts, UST
Jelena - Biochemistry, DLSU or Architecture, UST
Aeon and Margo - Gap Year

Not bad at all right?

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Reading Murakami's "Norwegian Wood" did something terrible to me: it's like I can't read anymore. Too much of myself and the events in my life are reflected in that novel. I've been searching for the next book to read (excluding books I have to read for my classes, of course) but nothing seems to speak to me. I started Diane Setterfield's "The Thirteenth Tale", which is really beautiful, but I stopped somewhere because it wasn't speaking to me, really. I tried "Special Topics in Calamity Physics" by Marisha Pessl but gave it up on the second chapter. Took out Andre Dubus' "Selected Stories", read the story "Anna" and let its yellowing pages comfort me but I felt that I didn't really want to get into Anna's world, so I stopped, too. Then, when all else fails, I usually turn to my ultimate "comfort" book--any Gaiman title, actually--"Fragile Things" but this time, it failed me, too. Or better yet, I failed it. I couldn' t connect. I couldn't get in.

What have you done to me this time, Mr. Murakami? I am haunted. It's driving me crazy.

Am I Naoko or Midori? And who are you in my life, Toru?

Monday madness

1.8:30 am- sit in ninth grade's Geology class. kids are getting bored, according to them, of course.

2. 10:30 am - tenth grade English. Do I disturb the universe?

3. 11:20 am - twelfth grade English.

4. lunch

5. 1:15 pm - Sponsor time

6. 1:30 pm - meet Ms. Gay at PETA

7. 3:30 - 6pm - study

8. 7 - 9pm - meeting with Belay

9. 9:30pm - wake?

10. 12am - study

Lulu's wish...

soon, baby, soon.

Buena Mano

I decided to create a new blog. This time, no holds barred. I don't even intend friends to know this. Just me and P and perhaps some occasional welcome stranger :) My current blog that's also linked to my Multiply account is so public already--in the sense that most people who know me read it, even relatives abroad, and gasp, even my students! I can't be myself in my own blog and that sucks big time, man! (See the language there? Parang hindi ako teacher, tsk tsk)

Today is Mommy's birthday lunch but P and I had to leave Malong early because of his DW work. We also got news that Vicky has already passed away...I don't really know her and I've only met her once during the UPOU orientation but her passing affects me...The sadness is almost unbearable. I can just imagine the grief of her husband Mario and their children...I pray for peace for Vicky's soul and strength for her family.

I have been feeling different lately. I am still looking for the right word. Last Thursday after the faculty meeting, I told Cherryball I felt confused. So many things in my mind.

But now, it's not just consfusion. I don't know, I don't know.

Anyway, I want this blog to be really me in every way. So, as an opening salvo, ahahaha, here's one of the ultimate Lulu songs ever:

I'll Cover You
from Rent

Live in my house
I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back
With one thousand kisses
Be my lover - I'll cover you

Open your door
I'll be your tenant
Don't got much baggage
To lay at your feet
But sweet kisses I've got to spare
I'll be there - I'll cover you

I think they meant it
When they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it
A new lease you are, my love,On life - be my life

Just slip me onI'll be your tenant
Wherever - whatever - I'll be your coat

You'll be my king
And I'll be your castle

No you'll be my queen
And I'll be your moat

I think they meant it
When they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it
A new lease you are, my love,On life - all my life

I've longed to discover
Something as true as this is

So with a thousand sweet kisses
If you're cold I'll cover you
And you're lonely
With a thousand sweet kisses
I'll cover you

You've got one nickel only
With a thousand sweet kisses
I'll cover you
When you're wornout and tired
With a thousand sweet kisses
I'll cover you
When your heart hasexpired
Oh lover I'll cover you
Oh lover I'll cover you

***

Got to work now. It's Monday tomorrow, which means another crazy day in school for me.