The Write Way

I wasn't able to post this photo so here it is: The Write Way Creative Writing Workshop, Summer 2008.

Gypsygirl

A few weeks ago, our juniors organized a Medieval fair after having Medieval History. Everyone came in medieval garb and I was a gypsy while P was a jester. I was planning to be some lady at first so I tried on some evening dresses I have and tried to convert those into something special but somehow it didn't feel right; even my sister's 18th birthday burgundy gown didn't do it. On the eve of the fair, I opened my closet and my eyes fell on my favorite yellow shirt and a pink skirt given to me by a former student. After a few minutes, I found the perfect outfit: I was going to be a gypsy!

I think I was a gypsy in my former life. I even had colored stones to sell, trinkets and charms in a pouch. It was actually a liberating feeling! To be able to wear everything you like at the same time, to do whatever you want, go wherever your feet take you.

Feel ko talaga.

Elizabethtown, Cures for Heartbreak and The World According to Lulu

Watched yesterday: Elizabethtown finally.

I loved it. I cried unabashedly when Susan Sarandon's character, Hollie Baylor, was tap dancing to Moon River after giving a eulogy for her husband Mitch. My heart broke into a million pieces; those little pieces are still scattered in the room, getting covered by dust.

I want to be Claire. I want to pretend I'm Claire.

Finished reading the other day: Cures for Heartbreak by Margo Rabb. It's beautiful.

Michael Chabon wrote the blurb and said, "it made me feel grateful for my life, for my family, and above all for the world that brings us gifts..." His blurb was the main reason I got convinced to buy the book despite my budget. Also, I thought the premise was familiar. I needed it.

"If she dies, I'll die" Fifteen-year-old Mia writes on her journal, referring to her mom who was diagnosed with cancer.

A few nights ago, Mama texted that she went to the doctor because she hasn't been feeling well. Then the doctor called her to come back earlier than expected, which worried us a great deal. She has osteoporosis, bad cholesterol and uric acid level. She also had a bone marrow test and will have a mammogram, something about the abdomen and other tests.

I am worried, so worried. I'd give anything to see her and be with her right now...

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I haven't been myself lately. I don't even know who I am anymore. And this saddens me. It's so much easier to be sad, right? I think Claire said something like that. So so much easier to be sad.

What about you? You sad?

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I'm supposed to let the school know of my decision by Monday. To stay or not to stay?

Last Friday, I lost it in my eleventh grade English class. Homework was to read Raymond Carver's Everything Stuck To Him and aswer a few questions. They didn't read.

They got a very frustrated teacher who tried to find in their eyes a reason why she should stay, and found nothing. Nothing stared back at her instead.

Of course it isn't their fault I'm in this rut but I needed to see something then and I didn't, so now I'm left to my own searching again.

Catching Up

Thank God for holidays, I now have the chance to update this blog. Thank God for PLDT, too, for messing up our landline yet again so that I'm out now, here in a neighborhood (a very decent one actually) internet cafe, checking emails, reading blogs, and what-nots.

It's a sunny Monday morning perfect for the beach. I could also settle for a trip to the museum or to art galleries at the mall. Too bad though P has a meeting the whole afternoon.

So what's up with lululand?

I've been thinking, thinking, thinking. I've been getting signs too. I think there's going to be a major change in my life very soon...

I'm handling eighth graders now, and honestly, after my seniors, it's a drastic change as well. But I love the class. They're fun, really naughty and real darlings.

I just don't know if I'd be able to get to know them better at all...if there'd be enough time for me before I go...

Go where?

Go where I can find myself. Follow my heart.

The Year of Magical Thinking*

Last night, P asked me if I had already written about the three milestones of my Seniors: their Senior Project presentations, their production of The Phantom of the Opera and the Graduation.

I told him, no, I have yet to do it.

The past school year was a lot of hard work for me (and my class), a lot of changes, a lot of pain and precious joys as well. Last year was the ultimate validation of what I want to do with my life (whoa, I'm spewing big words here, huh) and now that my class has graduated, I am faced with that question...again: is this what I want?

~~~

I just finished Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking which somehow helped me deal with this inevitable letting go. Didion took some time before she could write about that year in her life because, according to her, she didn't want to confirm the truth that that year had indeed happened.

But the past year did happen.

And it was priceles.

Now that my class is out there, my prayer is that they will keep that passion for living burning well; for them to have compassion for others, for the world, and for themselves all throughout their lives. Go forth in freedom!

*borrowed from Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking

After watching the seventh-eighth graders' "Much Ado About Nothing" yesterday, I got to chat with a friend/colleague--let's call her Blue-- who was waiting for her daughter outside the theater. We talked about the play and stuff, and somehow the conversation veered towards the next school year. You see, I'm handling seniors now, who will actually be the school's first batch of graduates this March, and it hasn't been easy at all--it's been tough, challenging, nerve-wracking, and fun, elightening, and life-changing at the same time. A few months ago, we teachers were asked to write about our future plans regarding our teaching and I'd expressed the desire to take a break two years from now. Taking a break meant that I'd still teach main lesson blocks and the daily English track lessons, and not handle a class; that would mean I get to go home in the afternoon and do other things like writing and finishing my Master's. But now, the boat is being rocked unexpectedly. There's this guy who's applying to teach full time and my friend Blue who's also in Professional Development of the school is actually considering taking him. The school can't afford another fulltime teacher and she thinks next year is the perfect time for me to take a break--the new guy can take my position then.

Yes, I really need to take a break from teaching but I'm set on continuing next year. After that conversation, I felt so unsure of myself. Having somebody else teach my subjects is unthinkable. Yes, even if it's just going to be temporary. I've worked so hard on all my classes!

Oh I don't know. Blue was just being objective about the whole thing, I know. I'm not getting fired. In fact, she even joked that if I wanted to take a break I had better do it soon because after that, the school wouldn't let me go for five, ten years even! Thing is, the thought of the new guy replacing me is unacceptable. I shall write about him in another post. Let me just say he is too young. He talks about his poetry, literature, feminism, and all that academic, literary mumbo-jumbo ALL THE TIME. He breathes it, man. His angst could raise Nietszche from his grave to tell him to cut all that existential crap. If you know me well, if there's one thing I loathe in this world, it's the kind of person who flaunts his stuff. It'd be easier if I liked his poetry but then that's another story.

Sheesh. I don't want to rant. I don't even want to write about him because it's unfair. I'm sure he has a lot to bring to the school, a lot of good things the kids would learn from him. Yet the thought of him doing what I do just makes me...oh I don't know anymore :(

I'm not the best teacher there is but I always strive to do my best in teaching. Many times I have doubted myself--it's happening right now--and have questioned whether the kids are learning anything from me or not. Many times I have considered quitting. But I love what I do. I love where I am. I love whom I work for. I love those kids.

So now, I'm in a limbo. Maybe I feel this way because I don't know what I really want to do with my life for good. And the possibility of this door closing is scaring the shit out of me. Maybe this is panic. Maybe this is reality slapping me on the face: that I shouldn't be a teacher and I know it, but just can't accept it...

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I finally watched "No Reservations" and I liked it a lot. Good characterization. I can imagine reading it as a short story: a simple yet sumptuous plot.

It's even appropriate for me that Kate, Catherine Zeta Jones' character, is flabbergasted by the thought of another chef replacing her. The current drama of Lulu's life. She says, "I've worked so hard to get here and I'm not going to let you take that away from me!" Poor new guy, he doesn't even know he's replacing ME and I'm already sending dragon flares his way.

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This afternoon, I watched "Martian Child" instead of working. And again, I found pieces of my life there. Beautiful film.

Tomorrow is my last class with my seniors and I must say I'm trying so hard to make it remarkable. Channeling John Keating in "Dead Poets Society" ba. I have to wrap up our "Faust" lesson and honestly, I don't feel like lecturing anymore, so I'm preparing a speech of some sort--actually an example of how they should do their project presentations--to end the whole thing... it's even more difficult, really.

I'll post the "speech" here when I'm done. Got to go.

A Poem by Maureen Owen

image from binarysoup

A heart that's been broken
has a tiny hinge
And when it happens a
second or third time
it just
swings open & shut
like a gate.